The first week, I called Ethan every day. The second week, I told myself I’d give him space and called anyway. By the end of the month, I was leaving voicemails the way other people prayed, into a silence that never answered back.
“Sweetheart, it’s Mom. Just tell me you’re eating. That’s all. Just that.”
Nothing.
I texted my son photos of his old sketchbook and his favorite recipe. I also texted him on his birthday and for Thanksgiving. On a random Tuesday, I drove past the art store and cried in the parking lot. Richard ate his dinners in steady, even bites.
“Don’t bring him up at this table, Mary. I mean it.”
“He’s our son.”
“He was our son when he lived under this roof.”
I bit down on every word I wanted to say. I had been biting down on words for 23 years. I didn’t know how to do anything else.
For a year, I called every week. Texted every night. Ethan never answered. Richard said, “If he reacts like that, then he’s weak.”
Caroline noticed before I did. My younger sister had always been the one who said things plainly, while I rearranged sentences in my head until they were safe.
“Mary, you don’t sound like yourself anymore.”
“I’m just tired, Care.”
“You’ve been just tired for a year,” my sister said after a pause. “Where is Richard tonight?”
“A work dinner.”
“Another one?”
I didn’t answer. I’d stopped counting the work dinners, the long calls Richard took in the study with the door closed, the way his phone flipped face down on every counter, and the receipts I found in his coat pockets for restaurants we’d never been to together.
“Honey,” Caroline said carefully, “if you ever want to talk to someone. A lawyer, even. Just to know your options.”
“Caroline…”
“I’m only saying. I have a name. When you’re ready.”
I didn’t agree or disagree. I wrote the name down on the back of a grocery list, slipped it into my drawer, and told myself I was only being practical.
Then, last Thursday, while Richard was at work, someone knocked at my front door, and I walked toward it without any idea that the next breath I took was going to split my life clean in half.
