The night before my wedding I heard my maid of honour through the hotel wall saying they'd pour wine on my dress and lose the rings. I recorded four minutes of it with my phone against the connecting door.

PART 1 — THE WALL

We had four rooms at the Sandgrove at Tarn Bay for the Friday night.

I could not sleep. The dress was hanging on the wardrobe door in its bag, the vow cards were on the nightstand, and I had read Jory's last message about nine times.

See you at the altar, you.

I had just put the lamp off when I heard laughing through the wall.

I did not pay any attention to it for about thirty seconds. Four women in a hotel room the night before a wedding are going to laugh.

Then I heard Nadia properly.

She said: "Wine on the dress, lose the rings, whatever. She doesn't deserve him."

And Dilly said: "You're awful."

And Nadia laughed and said: "I've been trying to get him for months."

I sat up on the edge of that bed and did not move.

There is a thing that happens where your head will not accept what your ears have just done, and I sat there for a few seconds genuinely trying to construct a version where that was about somebody else.